The pointless fic of pointlessness
by seanbiggerstaffrox
Summary: Harry and Voldemort get married!
1. Chapter 1

Author mysteriously: It was a dark and stormy night-

Hermione: What are you talking about? It's 12;00 and the suns out!

Author awkwardly: hem…er…It was a DARK and STORMY night.

Hermione: But-

Author screams: It was a dark and stormy night now quit interrupting my story!

Hermione: gulp

Author: That's better. Now back to the story…

Ron, Harry, and the little-know-it-all(somewhere off in the distance Iggy pop and Sum 41 go on stage and start singing Little-know-it-all but Iggy pop trips over the microphone cord, falls of the stage, has a heart attack, and dies! No I'm joking he just goes into a coma….and THEN dies! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I know I'm evil) made their way down to the Great hall for lunch.

Suddenly Lord Voldemort pops out of no where and declares in front of everybody in one glorious moment "I love you Harry! I'm SO SORRY for all the HORRIBLE things I've EVER done to you! I hope you'll forgive me! Look I even bought you a Carebear!"

With that said he pulls out a Carebear for Harry who squeals like a little girl!

" A Carebear! I've always wanted one! Oh Voldy how did you know! Yes Yes Yes! I forgive you!"

Tears leak from Voldemorts eyes, "Really?"

"Of course!"

"OH Harry will you marry me?"

"Yes!"

Everybody cheered and danced all day long and it was agreed that the wedding and reception would be held that very weekend inside Hogwarts!

A/N: The first chapter isn't very funny but I promise it gets a LOT funnier in the next chapter! I should know I wrote it (like 6 months ago)!


	2. Chapter 2

Author: And The pointless fic of pointlessness continues!

Ron: Why's it called the pointless fic of pointlessness?

Author: Because it's pointless!

Ron: ….Then why are you writing it?

Author: Because it's pointless!

Ron: But that's not a reason!

Author: It is for me!

Ron: But… but …but-

Author: But is what a goat does.

Harry: What the heck that was SO random, dog! Yo yo yo! It's Harry in the house!

Hermione: Alright this is getting weird!

Harry: True dat, true dat. Yo! Props! Peace out foo!leaves the….er…wherever we are.

Author: Okay on with the story!

News reporter: The wedding is going extremely well, Bob. Right at the moment Harry and Volemort are up there sharing there vows. Lets tune in.

Camera man: goes to the alter, video taping the vows

Harry: Lord Voldermort, you tried to kill me countless times, you murdered my parents, godfather, and millions of innocent people. You've made my life a living hell! There is no other place I'd rather be today than up here with you. I'll love you forever and always. tears of joy leaks from his eyes You make me so miserable.

Audience: Awww. Isn't that sweet.

Voldemort: Harry I first met you when you were a little baby. Ugliest little thing I've ever seen. You looked like a monkey. But as you grew you became even more ugly. Your face disgusts me and always will. I love you.

Audience: tears up that was so sweet!

Minister: Let them be bonded for now and forever! Voldemort you may now kick the bride!

Voldemort: kicks Harry in the stomach and Harry keels over saying "I love you"

News reporter: Wasn't that sweet? Let's go back to Bob at the studio.

Bob: What a sweet wedding. Next when we return hear a tragic story about a building burning down and how poor innocent Carebears burned along with it! tears leak from his eyes I always loved Carebears!

Harry: Aww poor man! Voldy get him a Carebear.

Voldemort: As you wish. waves wand and a Carebear with red eyes and fangs appear in the studio

Bob: Yay a Carebear! Aren't you cute! ... Ow it bit me! The Carebear bit me!

Author: Tune in next time for the reception! That's when all the real action starts!

A/N: please let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

Author: As I promised. It is part three of the wonderful wedding between Harry and Voldemort.

Jo(a.k.a. J.K. Rowling): I couldn't help but notice that you failed to put a disclaimer on this fiction story.

Author(switching to English accent): What what you gonna do with all that junk all that junk inside that trunk? I'ma get, get, get, get, u drunk, Get you love drunk off my hump. My hump 8x, My lovely little lumps, Check it outs I drive these brothers crazy, I do it on the daily, They treat me really nicely, They buy me all these iceies. Dolce & Gabbana, Fendi and Donna Karan they be sharin' All their money got me wearin fly , whether I ain't askin, They say they love my ass 'n, Seven Jeans, True Religion, I say no, but they keep givin' So I keep on takin', And no I ain't takin' We can keep on datin' Now keep on demonstrating.(Sorry I couldn't resist and it's incredibly funny if you read it in an English accent for you non-brits out there, I'm American.) You actually read my fic. NO WAY!(that should be read in and English accent too. IT's so much fun to say. Go on try it….. What are you waiting for? TRY IT! No seriously. Your pissing me off now. JUST BLOODY TRY IT ALL READY! There that wasn't so hard now was it. Oh what the heck just read the whole fic in an English accent.)

Jo: WAY! But you still have to put a disclaimer.

Author: Alright. Hey let's do a Britney/Madonna duet.

Jo: Alright.

Jo&Author: All my people in the crowd  
Grab a partner take it down!

_J:_ It's me against the music  
_A:_ Uh uh  
_J:_ It's just me  
_A:_ And me  
_J:_ Yeah  
_A:_ C'mon  
_A:_ Hey Joann?  
_J:_ Are you ready?  
_A:_ Uh uh, are you?

_J&A:_ No one cares  
_J:_ It's whippin'my hair, it's pullin' my waist  
_J&A:_ To hell with stares  
_J:_ The sweat is drippin' all over my face  
_J&A:_ No one's there  
_J:_ I'm the only one dancin' up in this place  
_J&A:_ Tonight I'm here

Author: Hey ya'll I don't own Harry Potter or any of the Harry Potter products, J.K. Rowling does. Enjoy the fic!

Harry, Sirius, Voldemort, Hermione, Fred, Goerge, Remus, Molly, Minerva, Ron, James, Remus, Lily, Cho, Barney, The purple Telly Tubby, The Dragons off of Dragon Tales, Dora the Explorer, Big Bird, Pippy Longstocking, and Dumbledore in a pink frilly tutu entered the reception hall for the reception(Harry: Well duh. What else would we go in there for Wet tee-shirt contests? Wait why's Dumbledore wearing a tutu?).

As Harry's best man and most valued friend Dobby stood up to make the toast. The rest of the room watched anxiously as Dobby slipped the bread into the toaster oven and pressed the start button.

Reporter: The best man is making the toast. Let's watch.

Sirius: Let's play some music while we wait…

Author: OOOOOHHHHH a cliff hanger. Will Dobby ever finish making the toast? What will Harry and Voldemort get into next? Does the toaster even work? Will Susan Lucci ever start looking her age? Will I ever stop asking these questions? Will this fic ever get done? Alright on with the story…

Previously

Sirius: Let's play some music while we wait. (snaps fingers and music starts to play)

Music: The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round all through the town.

Sirius: Different music. (snaps fingers)

Oliver appears out of no where in tight lavender and black lace under wear, high heels, and a tight purple tie up vest(come on you know you want to see it) and black lipstick:

How d'you do, I see you've met my faithful handyman  
He's just a little brought down because when you knocked  
He thought you were the candyman.  
Don't get strung out by the way that I look,  
Don't judge a book by its cover  
I'm not much of a man by the light of day,  
But by night I'm one hell of a lover

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

So let me show you around, maybe play you a sound  
You look like you're both pretty groovy  
Or if you want something visual that's not too abysmal  
We could take in an old Steve Reeves movie.

I'm glad we caught you at home, could we use your phone?  
We're both in a bit of a hurry.  
We'll just say where we are, then go back to the car  
We don't want to be any worry.

So you got caught with a flat, well, how about that?  
Well babies, don't you panic.  
By the light of the night when it all seems alright  
I'll get you a satanic mechanic.

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

So why don't you stay for the night? Or maybe a bite?  
I could show you my favourite obsession.  
I've been making a man with blond hair and a tan  
And he's good for relieving my tension

I'm just a Sweet Transvestite from Transexual, Transylvania.

So come up to the lab. And see what's on the slab.  
I see you shiver with antici... pation!  
But maybe the rain isn't really to blame  
So I'll remove the cause, but not the symptom

Catcalls could be heard throughout the entire reception and a short, fat, mysterious figure in a cloak that looked like 4 hobbits pretending to be a short, fat, mysterious figure in a cloak appeared out of no wear.

"Oliver, I want you." Came a deep voice and the short, fat, mysterious figure in a cloak that looked like 4 hobbits pretending to be a short, fat, mysterious figure in a cloak that appeared out of now where lifted it's hood to reveal- hey what do you know- 4 hobbits pretending to be a short, fat, mysterious figure in a cloak that looked like 4 hobbits pretending to be a short, fat, mysterious figure in a cloak.

"AHHHHH HOBBITS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!" Peter Pettigrew screamed and ran into the wall knocking himself out.

Remus & Remus crouched in the corner.

Remus: Oh Remus I love you.

Remus: ….

Remus teared of the cloth covering Remus and started to eat him.

Remus: Remus My precious.

Sirius watched enviously as Remus licked and sucked on his chocolate bar, a.k.a Remus, from his corner across the reception hall.

Suddenly out of no where Oompa Loompas and a Gigantic marshmallow appeared out of no where.

Fritto, Mary, Sam, and Pippin watched as the oompa loompas started to sing.

Oompa loompas: Oompa loompa doopity doo. I have another puzzle for you.

Fritto: Ahhhh the oompa loompas are trying to brain wash us with their music. Somebody help us we're only but wee little hobbits and the author changed my name to a chip brand!

Author: Hey doesn't Frodo sound like Fritto lays chip brand to anyone else? And the oompa loompas would never try to brain wash you, would ya guys?

Oompa loompas look around guiltily: Er… of course not…. We better go!

(Disappear)

Author: I think we're lacking a few people. (snaps fingers and Aragon and Legolas appear.)

Aragon: Um where are we?

Author: That's not important.

Legolas: Hi, I'm beautiful. Hey, why's that guy wearing a tutu and what's with the marshmallow?

Author: OH yeah I forgot about the marshmallow and Dumbledore.

Dumbledore was ballet dancing on the dance floor with the marshmallow. Isn't that interesting?

There was a whooshing sound and everybody looked up to see flying monkeys entering through the window, swarming around the hall.

In his chamber the wicked wizard of the west, a.k.a. Draco Malfoy, watched the chaos from his crystal ball and laughed evilly as his evil flying monkeys flew evilly around the evil reception hall in an evil fashion being downright evilly evil.

Aragon: Let us be brave, Legolas, and attack those evil monkeys.

Legolas: but I don't want to ruin my hair?

The music blared as people fought and the monkeys swarmed the hall and Legolas's hair got ruined and it was way to much for him so he jumped off of a chandelier.

Legolas hit the ground with a PLOP and the world exploded.

The moral of this story: Always eat your vegetables.

Author: Yay I finally finished. I'd like to thank myself and my messed up mind for creating this incredibly pointless story. Review pleeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaase and I'll send you a carebear….. or a monkey! Mwa ha ha hahahahahahahahahah!


End file.
